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Unhappy Thoughts

by selfpity

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1.
Forget me not. Forget everything I said. Small talk’s a burden. Small talk’s a bitch. “What’s on your mind?” “Whats going through your head?” All the good lives are taken. Tell me everything will be okay. Just so I can make it through the day. I’ve let everyone down by masking all of my pain. But why discuss this? I know what you’ll say. Looking forward in time, I’ll try to not fall in line. But all the good lives are taken.
2.
SelfLove 03:13
Self deprecating, reclusive and regrettably modest. No ambition, stagnant thought and questionably honest. I don't want to be living. I don't want to be dead. I'll contradict myself until the end. This is the make up of my "CoMpLEx bRAin" Overworked, over thought. Certifiably insane. Consumed by hypocrisy. Surrounded by idiocy. For every idiosyncrasy I’ll tighten my lips even more. Someone please assuage my fears. Ease my mind or just leave me here. Stop caring. I want to be left behind.
3.
Exaggerated sorrow. But nothing is my fault. Rushing everything in life, with unsatisfying results. My pain outweighs the good. But I am not to blame. My mind is full of unhappy thoughts. I can’t keep up this charade.
4.
I’ve forgotten so much I used to know. Now I don’t know what matters anymore. I get on with life but I’m falling out of step. I can’t let go of the idea of “Home” that I have kept. I know I am reaching the end. I want to be younger again. Beware the unfair passing of time. Stop looking homeward for a glimpse of something you’ll never find. I’m losing my family. I’ve lost my friends. I should have known you can’t go home again. I’m losing my family. I’ve lost my friends. I’m alone in this world and you can’t go home again. I have nothing left to say. All of my illusions fade. All I have is a fake reputation. Untrue stories and made-up situations. Keeping up this front has never been so fucking hard. I’ve worn myself thin and I am letting down my guard. Sometimes the only upside to life is knowing that one day it will end. This is no way to live my life though. There’s a glimmer of hope within. I’m losing my family. I’ve lost my friends. I should have known you can’t go home again. I’m losing my family. I’ve lost my friends. There’s a glimmer of hope. This isn’t the end.
5.
How can something so appealing lose its allure? How can such beauty turn its back on the world? The frailty of this all is starting to show. But it’s hard to articulate without repeating the phrase. “Stop living your life by counting the days.”
6.
Glimmer 02:28
Maybe I stopped believing. Maybe it was never there. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I just don’t care. I need to turn this around. Before I fade away. So many others need our help now. I have to change. I may have lost faith. But there is so much more. More than my own sadness. More worth fighting for. I need to turn this around Before I fade away So many others need our help now I have to change This may sound banal or trite. But it is the truth. Something more must be done. There’s more to do. I need to turn this around. Before I fade away. So many others need our help now. I have to change.

about

"You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood ... back home to a young person’s dreams of glory and of fame ... back home to places in the country away from all the strife and conflict of the world, back home to the father you have lost and have been looking for, back home to someone who can help you, save you, ease the burden for you. Back home to the old forms and systems of things, which once seemed everlasting, but which are changing all the time – back home to the escapes of time and memory."

-Thomas Wolfe

credits

released December 21, 2020

Mastered by Will Killingsworth @ Dead Air Studios


Released as part of DEMO FEST 2020
demo-fest.org
All proceeds are going to Solidarity Across Borders
solidarityacrossborders.org
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selfpity

a nasally, monotone loser

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